It doesn't feel good. Does it feel right?

Never in my life would I expect to feel this brain-damaging and heart-breaking moment. I never expected to feel this guilt and uneasiness toward the judgment I have made recently.

Teaching was one of my goals in life. I have even put it in most of my journals and other essays required in my previous courses. Surprisingly, I was able to fulfill this goal in 21 years time. And, I was blessed to have students who catered me enough the welcome I need to feel worthy of the profession.

It was not the most difficult thing to do - imparting things from myself to these students who were eager to learn and develop themselves. Perhaps, this would be exciting for I will be one of the instruments for the creation and moulding of true-blooded Mapuans.

As a professor, I tried to give everything. I tried to cover the necessary things to be learnt and I tried to give more than what they deserve. I tried to go beyond what is needed. I tried to provide everything they need to pass.

I know my effort is not enough. It is not enough for not all students are the same. No man has equal level of anticipation and understanding toward things. And, I would like to apologize for my shortcomings. I apologize for all the things that might be lacking.

Truly, my effort would not be enough if my students would not perceive these efforts and use them to be driven to achieve our common goals - to learn and ultimately, pass the course.

I believe, no mentally healthy being would want anyone to flunk on his course.

Even though I had not felt it in my undertaking, I felt it in many ways in other things with the same magnitude.

As my first term ends, I knew grading my students would be inescapable. It was easy grading those students who were able to catch up with my lengthy and tricky 300-item quizzes and exams. I could give as high as cloud nine. But, giving 5.00 would be inevitable.

This would be my nightmare of all the dreams I had about teaching. I have not prepared myself on this scenario. Giving this cruel number would delay their graduation and most importantly, put burden on their parents back for they have to take the same d@mn course all over again.

I have taken that into consideration A LOT OF TIMES. I don't know how to feel about this. It doesn't feel good. Honestly, I really feel ill, severely ill. It felt like I was an instrument to crush and deluge their dreams and hopes.

I have no right to feel good about this. I have no right to rejoice for that. Please I do not want this to happen. But, I have no choice. Technically, yes I do but that would be unfair for both of us. I quote myself months ago, "Mas gugustuhin ko pang magalit sila sakin dahil binagsak ko sila kesa pinasa ko sila pero hindi naman nila kakayanin yung susunod."

I am calling the attention of all students who will be taking my courses next term(s). No matter guilt I feel about giving the grade, there might be a possibility of giving that in extreme cases. Do your thing and be best you could be.

This must serve a lesson for me that I should strive for excellence not for few people but by EVERYONE in my class.

'Ohana' means family, family means no one gets left behind.